I'm that addicted wife...

I started playing WoW during my last few quarters of grad school. My husband was working swing shift hours and it seemed like a fun way to pass the time after homework. At first it was a frustrating game. I'd never played on a pc and learning the chat format was difficult too. After a while though I got the hang of things and started playing daily.

My husband would at first sort of smile and say things like, "you're still playing?" I went from playing an hour or two to playing for several hours to playing literally for twelve or more hour stretches. My husband eventually stopped even talking about the game because if he even brought it up I would start a fight with him to get him to leave me alone about it. The meaner the fight, the faster I could get back to WoW. I began to hate when he had days off. It meant that I would have to spend time with him (something that I loved doing) and I would find reasons to just "stay in". I lied to skip school and my intership hours and cancelled appointments with friends and family. I stopped answering my phone or opening my mail or even feeding my beloved kitten. I stopped showering and eating. I often got only a couple of hours of sleep for days on end.

When I finally leveled to 80 and was ready to start raiding, I discovered Ventrilo. That's when things got really bad. It was really fun for me at first to have the guild members discover that they were playing with a real girl and I got a lot of laughs from bantering and flirting. However, I also began to develop a relationship with a married man that became so emotionally involving for me that I nearly ended my marriage to be able to "be" with him. I would stay up until sometimes five in the morning (having begun gaming at 2 the previous afternoon) to spend time with this guy, with nearly every encounter between us turning sexual. I stopped having any kind of intimate contact with my husband.

One evening, god knows why, I logged on and, even though I was totally numb, I just immediately deleted every character I had and closed my account. I hadn't planned to do it but after a few minutes the game was deleted from my computer and I had broken the discs and thrown them in the trash. I suppose some part of me was still sane and knew it had to be done, but I cannot describe how painful it was for me a few hours later. I started crying and continued crying (inconsolably at times) for nearly two weeks. It's better now but often times I need to just lie down and hold my stomach and rock a little bit because the temptation is so bad to log back on.

If you're a husband reading this: listen to your gut!! If you think she's addicted do something. If you think she's "involved" with some guy on WoW don't flip out and hate (it's an addiction and she's in deep). Help her now! Listen to her and let her know where the boundaries are in a way that's nonegotiable. Also, make sure she has some back up. Use whatever resources are available to get her through quitting.

If you're the wife: hun I really do know what this is like. I promise, "he" isn't worth it. "He" is someone you don't know and who doesn't know you, despite what you have told each other. WoW is designed to feel so freaking awesome while you're playing it with someone else. It's meant to be the perfect setup. It's just marketing though. And "he" is also an addict too. "He" is also lying to his spouse, boss, friends, professors, but mostly to himself... just like you. I can tell you that after you quit NOTHING will feel good. It will hurt to smile and laugh and even thinking about patching things up with your husband will make you want to kick a field goal. Things that were once important to you will just feel like they don't matter and you will have a sense of listlessness and hopelessness about anything good in life. But... it does get easier. You will bounce back. Stick with it.

I almost uploaded the game again tonight. I was crying and struggling with wanting it back so much. Instead I came to this site to be reminded of just how dangerous for me that decision was. I immediately canceled the upload and started writing this. If you're reading this please know that WoW addiction is real. It nearly destroyed me. I'm guessing I will struggle with this for a long time, but every day is a choice I have to actually live rather than killing myself slowly with pixels.

Hang in there if you are struggling with addiction too. Find your reason... don't go back...

Eva